that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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