if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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