I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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