I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My life is pants optional.
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