I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
