Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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