Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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