I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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