I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
