I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
