I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
