Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
