Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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