Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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