i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
