did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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