So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
