The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
