I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
