Your mouth is God's brothel.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
