well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
