I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
