Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
