i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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