Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
3pm strippers are depressing
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize