lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
