How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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