dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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