As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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