so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
