It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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