just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
