What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
