I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
