You just made me feel so damn special
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
