I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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