I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
