I'm so fucking centered right now
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
