Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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