I should be sponsored by Trojan
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
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