I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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