He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize