i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
