yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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