I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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