need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
