I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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