i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
