I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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