I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
