Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
