I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize