soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
