my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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