I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
