never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
