I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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