Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
