1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
