Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
