I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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