if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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