did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
