I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
