I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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