mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
