how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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