We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
