So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
