Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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