he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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